Things that scare me, by Lou Locket.
Like everybody, I have always been scared of losing the people that I love. My favourite people in the entire world, my fiance and my sister, are the very people that keep me doing what I love. They are the reason that I don't just pack up my computer and multiple journals and give up. They are my happiness, they keep me young and I cannot even begin to image how dull and desolate my existence would be without them. Of course, there are times when the pair of them make me want to pull out my hair and scream from the very depths of my lungs. They drive me insane. They irritate me at times, and sometimes we bicker until our faces turn blue. But we have been brought together for a very special reason. That reason is love. They make me so deeply happy that I could cry. Everything that I do in my life whether important or insignificant is done with them in mind, and I drive home after work motivated by the excitement of seeing their beautiful faces building to a crescendo. I am absolutely terrified that one day, inevitably, one of us will be gone...and we will no longer be together. If I could change one thing about the world, I would somehow banish loss. There is no deeper sadness to my knowledge than that brought by loss. When my Nana died, my world was shattered. Sophie was still very young back then, and I hadn't yet crossed paths with Michael. I felt so lost and alone in the world, and so heartbroken that my very best friend was gone from me forever. I will always remember landing my first lead role in a theatre show not long after she passed. My Nana had originally influenced my love for the theatre, and I was so delighted with my achievement that I picked up the phone and dialled her number. The shock of her death only truly struck me when the answer phone immediately balled its monotonous memorandum at me. Loss is the worst thing about the world, and I would give anything to be able to change it.
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| This is my unhappy face ^ |
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Even to this day, I am afraid of the dark. I am totally aware of how ridiculous that sounds. Oh gosh, it sounds even more ridiculous written down. Sigh. Each night, I snuggle myself down into the depths of my duvet and read until my eyes can barely keep themselves open. I switch off my fairylights (of which there are many) which signals the imminent horror of the night. I suddenly find myself wide awake, scrutinizing each and every shadow cast across each of my four walls. It is rather unfortunate that my bedroom faces the park opposite, which is abundant with large and apparently demonic trees. I am shaken to my core by every creak of the floorboards. God help whoever texts me and sends my mobile into a frenzy of vibrations. Whether or not this fear is something that I will one day grow out of, I am unsure. One thing I do know is that it has never faltered to this very day. Does anybody out there over the age of ten share my fear?
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"They're more scared of you" said everybody ever. And to this day I have never been convinced. It seems ridiculous to be restricted to one corner of a room simply because a spider has called dibs on a patch of carpet, doesn't it? So why does this seem to happen to me all the time?! There's something so sinister about spiders. There, I said it. I am absolutely terrified of them, and the thought of them crawling on me turns my tummy inside out! Also, why do they have to be so darn quick? How is it that they can disappear so easily?!
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It bothers me that one day I will wake up back in the bedroom of my seven year old self and realise that my entire life to this day has been nothing more than a dream. I fear that one day I will wake up and realise that I am yet to study for my GCSE's and A-Levels, take my driving test or graduate as a journalist. Most of all, I fear that none of my relationships have ever been real. Every friend that I thought i'd made will have just been some vibrant figment of my sleepy imagination. Worst of all, I wouldn't have met Michael. And what if he doesn't actually exist? What if I will never really meet him and fall in love with him; never to be engaged, married or have our own family? What if I don't actually work for Open magazine, and I am just subconsciously fantasising about a potential future career? What if? It scares me even more to think that my life is a reflection of The Truman Show. Imagine realising, much to your heartbreak, that those who love you are merely performing. At least if you were to wake and realise that your life had been a dream, those created within it were yours forever, buried in your heart.
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I am scared of failure. Although writing is an entirely subjective art form, it worries me terribly to imagine somebody out there, sitting at their computer with their very own fruity tea, scrolling my website and thinking "she is just terrible". Of course, there are always going to be critics who disapprove of your style. But I am just so scared that someday somebody will make a comment that will simply knock my confidence forever. I am incredibly passionate about my writing, and I will continue to write for as long as I live. It just terrifies me to think that somewhere, there may be somebody so passionate a critic that they discourage me forever.
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I am scared of childbirth. I want children more than anything in the world, and more so than ever now that I have found Michael. I am so excited to get pregnant one day. Although it may be schmaltzy, I can't help but picture the day that we find out. I imagine standing, bewildered, as I scrutinise my reflection in the mirror of our en-suite bathroom. Beneath me, dozens of positive pregnancy tests fill our sink basin. Michael walks in through the bedroom door upon his return from work. I run to him, tell him the wonderful news, and he reacts by breaking into tears of joy, kissing me and twirling me around. I am excited to decorate our baby's bedroom. I am even more excited to go shopping for the most adorable - yet most trendy - baby clothes. Yet, the thought of childbirth reduces me to cold sweats. I have such a low pain threshold, and I just know that I am going to be a nightmare to accompany during the birth. I will apologise to Michael in advance.
What are your greatest fears?
Lou x
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